Stop deluding yourself and get with the real world – Films, television and books will not prepare you for childbirth, well maybe a little! They’ll lure you into thinking, within 1 hour of contractions starting, a few screams and painful pushes, your shiny new human gracefully arrives to the sound of a royal fanfare. WRONG. However, in our case and in comparison to Charlotte’s ‘Wanky mum friends’ (more on this later) we pretty much had a dream birth along with some very memorable moments.
If like me, in preparation for the big day you weren’t up for watching ‘One Born Every Minute’ to see some Northern lass sucking the life out of the gas and air machine, all whilst barking demands for a KFC bargain bucket to her partner, quivering in the corner. STOP RIGHT THERE. Advice – On reflection post birth you might see it prudent to give the show a whirl, just the once mind you. The sights and sounds you’ll experience in that hospital room will scar your unblemished (LOL) mind forever, so be a little prepared at least.
Huxley Frederick entered the world like he was exiting a high-speed water slide – straight from the fanny canal into the murky waters of a birthing pool. When I say murky, think dirty dish water – You know it’s bad when a midwife pulls out a torch and mirror to see what’s happening down below. NEVER, AND I MEAN NEVER, AGREE TO GET IN THAT BIRTHING POOL TO SUPPORT YOUR PARTNER.*VOM*. Like the iconic Nirvana album – Nevermind, seeing your baby rise up through the water and watching their angelic face emerge through a layer of grime on the surface will stay with you forever. As rank as it sounds it was something to behold and the start of an incredible journey.
Cue the royal fanfare…Err No. In our case “Push it” by Salt n Pepa was softly playing in the background, much better than a royal fanfare I think you’ll agree? A nice reminder for us when overheard whilst strolling along the promenade on some Spanish island getaway. Keep dreaming, Luke. But seriously, what are the chances of that song being played at 11.45am, on local radio? We don’t live in the New York City ghetto, this is the fine city of Norwich.
Finally, to close this chapter on my everlasting memories of that fateful day 04.04.16, we round on Charlotte’s Mum who was present throughout the birth. Basically, Ruth was my saviour that morning – having been up for nearly 24 hours, Huxley is finally in Charlotte’s arms latched on to her tit feeding, and I’m emotionally drained. Ruth reaches for a cool bag and pulls out, not the standard sandwich snack I was expecting, but a full on antipasti board!!! Just imagine the pure delight on my face upon seeing this *Drool*.
Who doesn’t need a loaded antipasti board after the birth of your first child to settle you into parenthood? Chargrilled artichoke heart anyone…..